Fawlty Towers Revisited!

Truth be told,most Bed and Breakfast proprietors live on the verge of disaster anyway. Financial, infrastructural, or endeavouring to keep their hands from around the neck of a guest from Hell; B&B owners usually fall into their beds in the wee hours happy enough to have another day of disaster averted.

While the uninitiated might think that the most important quality one should possess to be a successful B&B host would be gregariousness or bonhomie, in actuality a good dose of apathy or indeed, a near-total lack of goodwill toward their fellow man work much better. Without these coping skills, having house guests for pay would send one shrieking into the night quite regularly.

The resourceful host will learn quickly not to raise an eyebrow at the strangeness of paying guests, as frequent spikes in blood pressure aren't conducive to a long and healthy life. The canny host will save their adrenaline until it is needed to deal with drapes on fire or some other such risk to personal safety and welfare.

One such prudent couple have sold their B&B and are on their way to a new life on a deserted beach somewhere in the South Pacific. Before they left, they regaled us with several amusing stories, not merely as a way to sing for their supper, but hoping that some deluded B&B Wannabes might read them and see sense.

There was the scholarly, quiet botanist who was spending the autumn, tramping the forests all day, researching various fungi. One teatime he asked if he might brew one of his favourite blends for all assembled, and made a mushroom tea that had everyone hallucinating for the next forty eight hours.

The B&B husband ultimately found himself in a nearby tree house with nothing on but his tie around his forehead Red Indian fashion. He found his wife under their bed surrounded with the remains of a box of chocolates, crying over a picture of Englebert Humperdinck.

Our B&B couple once saw nothing wrong with accepting guest's pets at their establishment. That was until a maiden lady from Slough tried to sue them when her thoroughbred whippet gave birth to another guest's dachshund's love puppies.

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Then there was the sly puss that kept escaping from its owner's room and systematically shredding the toilet rolls in all the loos. Finally cornered, Tiddles skittered up a fireplace and emitted ghostly yowls for the next day, frightening off a well-heeled woman who had been considering staying for the summer.

One engagement that could have resulted in disaster was the association of naturists who booked the entire B&B for a fortnight. By this time the couple had been in business for a few years and were past caring. The naturists were well behaved, polite folk who spent liberally at the bar without incident and tipped everyone well.

They wrote a lovely note of thanks that the couple framed and placed over their reception desk. In the bed and breakfast business, you take accolades from wherever they come.

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